I realized something cool with my 4.5yr old today. According to human design, she is a reflector. This means that none of her centers are coloured in. She has no counterpoint to the programming that we are all subjected to. Nothing to rely on, as always being true for her. I had been working on this little booklet for her, to be able to know who she is, over the course of a lunar cycle. In her case, she goes through 36 stages, changing as frequently as up every 11 hours, staying the same for max 2.5 days, flipping between different forms of definition or no definition, based on the placement of the moon, added to her human design chart at birth. Where those who are "emotional" (50% of the population) have 1 to 3 emotional waves that they can rely on, to help them make wise decisions (like, will you still want to do X when you're high and when you're low on your emotional wave?), reflectors can look to the cycle of the moon, for some reliability on how they may feel, in this world of bombarding conditioning.
This became real for me, when I saw how much difficulty she had moving from her 5-point harness car seat to a boost seat that raises the child up so they can use the regular car seatbelt:
Neither of her older siblings complained of the freedom gained by getting out of their 5-point harness, in fact, her middle sister often takes off her belt to protest while we are driving. But my 4.5yr old's teacher has noted that her "constant search for safety" would qualify her for a diagnosis, she's not just being bad or difficult.
So today I showed her the little booklet I made (shown above) and explained that the car seatbelt may not feel as secure as the 5-point harness, just like going to programs without mommy doesn't feel as secure as when mommy is there.
She will put herself under a table, scratch her face until it bleeds, kick, scream, hit, and cry until she passes out, if I have to leave her with anyone but her dad to go for an apt. She doesn't attend public school, not that I really want her to, until she is 6 or 7 years of age. We've had too many bad experiences with her older siblings. From what I've seen, kids who are raised to be themselves, are not protected enough for the experience of government-run schools, until they old enough to hold themselves up against all that programming. But I digress.
I used the analogy of changing clothes every day, to try to explain how my daughter is different every 11hrs. To this she responded: "but I don't change my clothes everyday" (and neither does her brother). Her brother is not a reflector, but he does have an open identity, which I think operates the same, in that they cling to mama, because with mama (assuming mama has a defined identity center, which I do) they have a known metronome to pace who they are. When two people are together, they share their definition.
Then I looked at my client's chart, to see if she too had an open identity, to explain her unwillingness to change socks. She doesn't, but she does have other centers open, which I know her mother defines for her, when they are together. Here's a hint:
When I'm with mama, it defines my heart. In fact, I had clinical depression until the birth of my son, and he too, defines my heart.
We are here to help each other feel safe, and to know why we feel less safe when we are apart. We are also here to learn what we can rely on, even when apart. Like the car seatbelt or going to programs without mommy. We can have the freedom away from the 5-point harness / mommy, and we can trust, that if the brakes are pressed hard, or if mama/safety is needed, that belt is going to pull tight, and hold us until we are ready for it to let us go, so we can feel free again.
I like the work that I do, because I can show families exactly why they are having the experience they are having and how knowing this can move us past the feeling that something feels wrong. It's not wrong, it's just different, because we are so unique. And this is why I prefer unique psychology, to whatever works for a statistically significant group of others, doesn't mean it's right for you. Evidence-based means nothing to me, having been in research, I know the outliers are excluded and only the studies that show the desired results will obtain funding to be published. And you and I (and all our kids) are far more unique, and important, to rely on that. Nor do I think it's fair to anyone, to ask a group of others to test something out, before I am willing to try it on me. What works for me may not work for them, what works for them, may not work for me.
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