I call this (part 2) because it's a continuation from https://www.yourlifeplan.ca/post/it-s-so-important-to-understand-why (see my new job title and tagline below).
I am editing this article 2 days after writing it (originally written on the 15th, it is now the 17th), through a headache that is mostly behind my left eye. The intention for this article is to show you the type of things that I can see. I want to add that, when we see things, they change, because seeing one layer means we are able to work at the next layer. I am not going to continue to update this (or other) articles as reality changes, in the way we are intended to grow, as this is just meant as a snapshot and an example. I hope this is helpful.
Let's start with what in means to have symptoms in the left and right eye. Left eye implies we are trying to maintain our unique perspective; right eye means we are resisting looking at the world the way it really is.
Within days of getting to our "July home" the front windshield to our rental car cracked. As you can see from this definition, I will be called upon during this trip to change the way I look at things:
Before I get into the original portion of this article, I want to reassure myself and readers, that I am not in this to judge other parents in comparison to where I am at. Looking down upon what others do is something that I used to do. But now I see the pain behind what created the situation, and know that only if I can provide gentle support, will I be welcome to support the family dynamic to heal.
Here we go...
After writing part 1 for this article, we drove to meet one of the kids that tend to trigger my youngest into aggression. My husband gets very frustrated with his family and our kids. His sisters were pestering him, and it was partially my fault - when he approached me to resolve the issue, I was too busy writing an article to respond. It takes a lot of effort for me to find small pockets of time, to write.
On the way to meet the family of the child who tends to trigger my youngest, my husband wanted to make a couple stops (the first to get something for me and the kids, the second to get something for himself). Youngest didn't notice the first stop but, by the second stop, she wanted to come along. My husband's inability to "put his foot down through yelling" resulted in him peeling out of the parking lot, not getting the item he wanted to get. His overreaction was not just because of the frustration mentioned above, but because the last time she joined him in the store, he had to buy her a $4 roll of bubblegum tape.
This bubblegum tape is her go-to favorite, because she can decide how much she needs at any given time, she is very responsible (after getting it stuck on her face, across her eyebrow, once, she always asks for a napkin, so she can dispose it properly, as soon as she's done, and she doesn't chew it for long).
While it's annoying, to pay $4 for something that costs much less at home, it is not available anywhere else where we are. And I had just told my husband that morning that, as much as I don't like gum and think it's unhealthy, gum is a go-to staple for kids who have trouble with proprioception (knowing where they are in space), as it offers repetitive feedback to the joints and muscles of the jaw, which calms the stem brain, also known as survival fear.
We've had this fight so many times before. We have different parenting philosophies, the kids just should, they walk all over me, they don't to it him, I feel the need to re-parent him, making someone be kind by being mean doesn't work, on and on.
I know that when someone is angry, it is not the best time to teach them anything, I'll make a repair later on. Sadness, however, does have some capacity to be taught. This is why I do not come down hard on my kids when things happen. I teach my kids and my husband, when they are in a good relational state. We fought in this moment, because I wanted to try to make a point. It is so painful when he raises his voice in frustration, because his voice is already very loud, add frustration and it's even more painful for me to tolerate.
The kids got scared. Each of them came up to me, one by one, after we settled into our destination. Eldest said he doesn't like us fighting, he won't take sides. Middle said she was afraid we would get into a car accident because daddy slams the breaks. Youngest said "I wasn't going to get out of the car, I was just joking, the only reason I started to kick was (as always) daddy yelled". I'm always asking my husband to "stop making my life harder, when he says he's trying to support me".
While we were at our destination, middle stubbed the top of her right big toe. Later, the kid who often triggers our youngest also cut the bottom of her right big toe. Middle was the one who pointed this out to me, right before bed, as she thought it was cool that they both hurt the same toe (as you will see in my previous article, middle and this child both tend to trigger my youngest into aggression, they have something in common).
In Esogetics, injuries can only happen if the area is weak enough to accept it, and if the injury can teach us something about what is going on in the life.
I bandaged up both kids. Eventually moms of kids who tend to get hurt, learn what they need to bring around with them, because they know how their kids tend to break. It's so empowering to be able to care for your kids when they get hurt or sick. This mom had trouble doing so, as she said "she's always had a problem with blood". This could be because, on a soul level, she knew what she would have to face in this life:
When she was pregnant with this child, she accidentally did not put on the hand break when she parked her car on a hill, and when she got out, she held onto the car, as it dragged her down the hill. She needed surgery before and after her child was born, and she lost use of her dominant arm, for the first part of her child's life.
Her child was breeched. My youngest was too, but I was able to look up the spiritual meaning behind being in breech position (see below), and took the time to research what my child was afraid of, and vowed never to administer it to her, and she turned head first.
Her child was born via c-section. Being in breeched position means the child is scared to come into this life. People who are born via c-section tend not to feel safe, because they were in a comfortable spot, and then someone suddenly came in and grabbed them, without warning, and they lost the opportunity to feel empowered, by playing an active part, in the birthing process.
My youngest was born via induction, where a foley balloon was inserted into her space, blown up, with a weight attached, to open the cervix and birth her on my schedule, not hers. This is why we see watchdog in my youngest, and more severe forms of lack of safety in c-sectioned kids. See my previous articles for more on felt safety and attachment.
Back to the toes. In Esogetics, the tip of the fingers are considered conscious, the bottom unconscious. The wound was deeper in the other child, but not so deep to require medical attention. I just wanted the mother to see it for herself, so she can be aware of what is going on. She pushed herself to look. Then on the way home she decided to stop at urgent care, just to be sure.
Two nurses at urgent care told her "there is likely nothing a doctor can do, just keep it clean, the doctor charges $1300, even if he/she concludes that nothing can be done". She was afraid to do the wrong thing, so she paid, and the doctor said "yup, nothing I can do, the first 48hrs are critical, to keep it clean to avoid infection".
The inability to trust herself, and the need to ask others for their opinion, is Soul Contract lesson 15 (the original date for writing this article).
The situation is always the best teacher.
More from a Soul Contract perspective, $4 from above is a reminder to trust, let things in, share what you know. $1300 is the divine feminine, wisdom that you can see, and more wisdom is revealed, as you engage with the person. 13-4 is prominent in both mine and this mom's soul contract. The hallmark of having a difficult time with our own moms, which gives us the potential to become really good moms.
So let's go to her situation with her mom. Her mom was proud that she only gained 10lbs with her pregnancy, because of all the stress she felt at the time, this was still her biggest baby (8lbs). 10 you will see me define below, 8 is about a fear of feeling and being in the body, difficulty setting healthy boundaries, over which to share and receive.
When moms have high levels of stress during pregnancy (including food restriction), this signals to the developing child, to prepare for a hard life. Her parents split up shortly after her birth (a tragedy for all the kids), mom went on to have more kids with someone else, leaving this child almost abandoned. This explains a lot, as what happens to us, happens to our kids, to the degree to which, we still have aspects that need to heal.
Much like A Beautiful Mind, where the lead character, with schizophrenia, sees connections in everything, because I've grounded and healed my diagnosis of bipolar disorder (also see https://www.yourlifeplan.ca/you-are-the-shaman), and have studied many valid modalities on the patterns of life, the connections I see are less fear-based and more "information worth considering".
This is why I share this article, so you can get an example of the patterns that can be seen. And know we can even take a kirlian photo, to confirm and treat, whatever remains from the birth and prenatal trauma, so the person can reclaim their life.
It takes my youngest, until the last 30min of our get together, to warm up to the child who "used to" trigger her into aggression (things have changed, now that we have learned more). We've managed to teach the child who used to trigger my child, to give my child some space. At the end of our gathering, the day before the initial version of this article was written, well into borrowed time, youngest finally asked to play with something of theirs. The sibling of the child who used to trigger my child, who they said would be more easygoing (more on this below), said no to sharing her copy of the toy, but the "target child" said yes.
Then, when this child wanted her item back, youngest finally opened up her own generosity, and offered the two things she never lets this child play with. The child was very happy for the exchange, and the two of them played.
I generally only worry (and stay close to prevent youngest from hurting this child) in the beginning of our gatherings. When I see a connection has been made successfully, I am less concerned.
With other kids, who tend to trigger our youngest into aggression, unfortunately, I need to stay close, even beyond when I think a successful connection has been made. This is because, these kids tend to re-enter into states of anxiety, which causes them to continue to do unexpected things, which my youngest reacts to with aggression.
I liken the latter to disorganized attachment ("my caregiver scares me, but I have no one else to go to when I'm scared"), and the prior to reactive attachment ("my caregiver is sometimes aloof, so I am desperate and go to anyone I think will give me the attention and connection I need"), see: https://www.yourlifeplan.ca/post/why-i-don-t-provide-secure-attachment-and-where-you-can-find-it
The mom of the child who used to trigger my youngest, drew my attention to their play, because she said she has "some rules that she wants to make sure are followed". As I observed and narrated what the kids were doing, to try to understand what was going on in everyone's mind, we identified that this child was sending mixed messages - a mental desire to continue the play, with a physical stance that says stop the play, my child was responding to the mental desire, despite the physical posturing, which the child who used to trigger my youngest's mom admitted was confusing. We gave the kids words to communicate stop, if the body language that would usually communicate stop, was actually part of the play. Then the kids ran out to the water, and the child who used to trigger my youngest came back with a cut on the bottom of her right big toe.
The whole reason this and my previous article was: eldest agreed with me, that this mom doesn't notice when he is closed for communication. I had to tell her "he is not feeling social right now" and she said "that's ok" yet she kept talking to him. I guess, in hindsight, she is ok if he doesn't answer, but she doesn't have the insight to stop talking herself. This is where the child who used to trigger my youngest gets it from. She is so desperate for connection, that as soon as you open the car door, she runs yelling people's names, trying to connect with them. Her younger sibling is much more wise. She assesses the situation, and people's reactions to her attempts to enter, before she goes in, and she will abort mission, if it is clear the connection can't happen now. She won't take it as personally as her sister. Her birth was "better", at least vaginal, but she wasn't breathing and her skin tone was purple. Her Unique Psychology is fascinating, but I cannot share it with her mom, unless I am asked. It totally describes why, on a soul level, she would choose not go home with family after she was born, and stay an extra day or two in hospital, for monitoring. I wonder if and when this experience will come up for healing?
Stay with me as a digress.
The book I am reading now:
... says women's brains undergo remodeling 3 times: puberty, pregnancy, and perimenopause.
An interesting repeat of 3 levels, which I mention here: https://www.yourlifeplan.ca/post/the-trauma-of-not-being-seen-and-the-layers-of-my-services-mapped-onto-the-levels-of-the-brain
Each of these remodels allows women to drop connections that are no longer needed, like the steps for how to walk during puberty, because, by then, walking, as a whole, has become automatic, how to drive a car in pregnancy, and how to change a diaper during menopause.
Most women, who never want kids, do so because they don't want to repeat their own trauma but, by skipping this aspect of life, which is meant to heal us, they also miss out on an opportunity to grow a more efficient brain.
The remodel of the brain at menopause, is for women to stop having their own kids, so they can help their kids, when their grand babies are born. Not to take over the care of the child, as this remains an intimate relationship between mother and child, but to make sure there is food on the table, because the hunters only bring home the meat 3% of the time, the harvest is provided daily.
Dads are kids too! In fact, men remodel their brain at puberty, this is when their brain becomes male (running on testosterone, before puberty all brains are female), and again during andropause, which tends to be much later than when women go through menopause. They do not remodel their brain when they have kids (and this should tell us a lot).
Menopause (and andropause) is like a transformation from a gas-run to an electric-run car (weaning off estrogen for women, testosterone for men, as fuel, onto whatever becomes available instead), the adjustment takes a few years, but the outcome can be glorious.
The other thing about menopause (and possibly andropause) is the veil drops, and we get to see what health conditions are at risk underneath, so we can start to address them, before they become severe and permanent. Hence my current premenstrual headaches (and other symptoms), mentioned above.
The connection between menopause and what I shared above may have to do with mothers benefiting from being able to look at their wounds, because the refusal to do so is what makes it hard to parent.
It's actually really sweet, the child who used to trigger my youngest, now cheers her mom on, as she changes her wound dressing, when her mom thought it would have to be the other way around. I reminded her mom that "I think our kids are often the ones guiding us".
While I have concerns about gender affirming medical procedures, I am also a big supporter of people doing what feels right for them, and I need to give credit where credit is due. Although not everyone may have thought through all of the possible risks, someone has done more work on this than me. And it's ok, to need support, no matter what decision people make. We are human, after all.
I wouldn't like it if someone took away my right to induce and take an epidural for the birth of my kids, even though the process caused them harm, that I am still trying to undo. My family and I suffered greatly when I was pregnant with my kids, we just needed a light at the end of the tunnel now, now, now, now. I assume other people make decisions because that is what they feel they need too.
I hope this helps?
I don't come out and say that I am identity-affirming, because it feels like something that is pushed too hard right now, without permission. Pushing when someone is closed, only leads to watchdogs responding with aggression.
At the end of the day, middle cried, her pain had returned around her belly button (where she used to be connected to me), she was scared. For her, this is usually a sign that significant healing took place, she is afraid to lose her parents, she was an IVF baby, the scientists/doctors didn't want to transfer her, they said I would only be disappointed and I would lose one of my 3 free rounds. I was never going to go through that process again, and "free" still cost us $10,000. 10, in Soul Contract, refers to being able to move with the curves of spirit, and 1 means holding a strong, high integrity, space for healing. 10-1 is the counterpart to 13-4 (mentioned above). My husband and kids have held space for me, as I hold space for them and my clients.
I applied the RestoreChi track that my middle likes, so she can reconnect to her truth, and she went to sleep. Youngest woke the next morning asking to see pictures of when she was born.
We are all connected, signaling to each other, what needs to be healed, and when we are on the right track, and this is why it is important to be able to recognize the patterns and act accordingly, hence my new job title and tagline:
The past simply wants to be healed, so we can become more anchored and aware in the now.
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